Hey, check this out:
When I was researching women, sexuality and disability for my
Metablog post I asked my husband, “Is my epilepsy unsexy?” He looked at
me confused and said, “No, I don’t even notice it, to tell you the truth.” Well
this is mostly true, I do take medication he sees me take everyone morning,
though he is not paying any attention really. I do not drive unless I have to
and when we are together he always drives. This is not even really noticeable to
him because he likes driving, his Dad never let his mom drive and we usually
drive his car. I have never had a seizure in front of him that he knows of
because you cannot see one of my simple partial seizures, and I take medication
to make a grand mal seizure impossible.
I call myself invisibly disabled, all the fun self-care without any of
the embarrassing attention or sympathy. People do not treat me disabled even
when they know I am because they have never seen me seize. Visible disability
appears to be very isolating and I am grateful that I do not have to give up my
sexuality because of my epilepsy.
In the readings we reviewed on disability and ableism the
discussion also talks about the invisibility of disabled women but in when the
disability is a visible one being invisible means existing without acknowledging.
Women with disabilities are not seen as sexy because their sexuality is not
seen at all. “Construed as dependant, these “eternal children,” women with
disabilities are often presumed to be asexual beings, with no desires, no
sexual needs nor capabilities.” (Pinto 2008) Women with disabilities are
sexual, even if they are not seen as sex by all members of society. Just
because they are challenged in their every tasks does not make them any less
human with very ordinary and real desires that any other person should have.
Can we turn off our sexuality just because someone else does not think we
should be sexual?
Paul Pinto talks about gender- based violence in her chapter on
Women, Disability, and the Right to Health. Though not physical violence, the
exclusion from sexuality and sexual expression can be seen as neglecting a
natural part of human health. The attempts of care givers, concerned family
members, or the community to intimidate, isolate, confine, or intimidate
disabled women into abstaining from sex should be considered a violation of
their human rights. (Pinto 2008) She includes examples of forced sterilization,
or shaming women with disabilities into not being mothers, as well as denying
sexuality to women who others may perceive to be not mentally mature enough.
Women with disabilities are more vulnerable because of the gendered segment of
this equation. Women often rely on the support and care of others so are more
likely than men to be dependent on someone else for their care or income. These
persons or institutions which are intimately involved in their lives out of
necessity may attempt to force their attitudes on their wards.
Flare magazine recently printed an article on flare.com called, Sex
& Dating While Disabled: Three Women Share What It’s Really Like by
Katherine Laidlaw which shares the story of 3 women with disabilities and their
stories trying to date and be sexual. One of the women is Canadian Olympian
Stephanie Dixon, a Paralympic athlete who has won 17 medals and is anything but
invisible. She has been on TV, in the news, and competed internationally but despite
her fame and confidence as an athlete she talks about how difficult she found it
to discover her sexuality. “I wanted to have
sex. I just didn’t think anyone would want to have sex with me,” she says.
Because she is missing her leg, she also has only half a bum and half a
pelvis, and she was worried that her vagina was disfigured—she’d never
compared hers to anyone else’s.” (Laidlaw 2017) Women with disabilities
have to deal with more than your average insecurities when they wonder how
their stark physical, functional, or behavioural differences will be perceived
by a potential partner.
There is a social component to dating and mate
selection which emphasizes the choosing of an ‘ideal’ date, someone you think is
worthy of spending time with. Both Dixon and the second women interviewed for
the article Kaleigh Trace, author and sex educator, talk about disclosure and
soliciting potential partners. When do you tell a partner something so intimate
when you have not decided to become intimate yet? Stephanie wears a prosthetic
leg and spoke about worrying about what her partner would think when it would
come off. Kaleigh, who was paralyzed from the waist down still feels like a
sexual being and wants to express herself sexually and likes to use online
dating sites like any other 30 year old. She talks about the time to tell
someone she is in a chair. You can take a picture of yourself doing all types
of things from the waist up. You or I would not think twice about taking a pic
which show off my hips and lips, but hides my butt. I would not think that once
I got out on the date any of my other redeeming qualities would not be a hit.
The article paints a very complex picture of an
already dynamic situation where even the most average person feels completely vulnerable.
Dating is complex at the best of times and when meeting someone new or trying
decide how to act on an attraction we all struggle with our insecurities. I was
glad to see this article on dating and disability because it at least means
these women are not completely invisible and there are at least three brave
women ready to stand up and tell their story.
PINTO,
Paula. 2008. Women, Disability, and the Right to Health. Toronto, ON. Women’s Press.
Chapter taken from Gender and Women’s Studies in Canada edited by Margaret
Hobbs and Carla Rice
LAIDLAW,
Katherine. Sex & Dating While Disabled: Three Women Share What It’s Really like.
Flare Magazine, Rogers Media, Toronto, Ontario. February 14th, 2017.
Reviewed on: March 31st, 2017.
http://www.flare.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-while-disabled/
No comments:
Post a Comment